Top 3 Reasons Why Jamaicans Shouldn’t go Camping

I’ve got an upcoming camping trip on Canada Day weekend and usual I’ve tried to avoid at all costs. But alas, I can’t get out of it. Here are some things you should think about before inviting me to your camping trip.

1. Jamaicans know no fear.

Grizzly Bear
We don’t care if you’re a rabid raccoon, hungry grizzly bear or mountain lion, we’ll take you on. We thump first, ask questions later. We also don’t know anything about North American forests; we don’t really know what poison ivy is and don’t think anything could be worse than getting juk by macka.

So if you don’t want to waste your time taking us to the hospital or worse, reconsider that Algonquin Park invitation.

2. No matter where we are, we WILL try and cook something.

We love to cook!
Look, we don’t like other people’s food. Where ever we go we must cook up our fried dumplings, boiled green bananas, and rice & peas. Of course, this makes the camp more likely to:

  1. Burn down if we forget to put out the fire
  2. Attract all kinds of animals looking for food
  3. Which leads to point #1

3. We only know Jamaica survival skills.

Mmm yummy
We know how to start a fire (so we can cook), but if you get bitten by a rattlesnake or any other animal — you’re pretty much done for. Without our Jamaican bush, we’re worthless, and may end up doing more harm than good, like rubbing poison ivy in your open wound. Don’t ask us which berries or mushrooms look non-poisonous or which star is the North Star; we don’t know. If I tell you that I know, don’t believe me, I’m probably lying.

There you have it. For all who are going camping with me in July and are reading this, now you know what you’re in for. But hey, don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll all have a great time. Right?